A Change in the Winds

This past semester has definitely been an exciting one as it is my last fall semester ever, but that change has not been the greatest change for this fall. I feel like I am finally getting my life balanced and together these past couple of months. Part of it has been exciting; some of it has been frustrating, and other changes have invoked anxiety attacks.

But it's rude to start in the middle, so I'll start in the very beginning, since it's a very good place to start.

I started training for a 5k about 5 weeks ago doing the Couch to 5k program. Now I have always hated running - I mean hated it - but for some reason, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it. After all, it's only 3.1 miles. The frustration has been with this and the development of shin splints. My PT over the summer could not believe I have never been injured. Now I have and have to wait out the jogging for a couple of weeks until the tibias are ready. Quite frustrating! As a soon to be PT, I need to be in shape and doing regular exercise.

This thought also prompted me to start the second change - rejoining Weight Watchers. My entire life I have always felt/been overweight. I've always been the fat friend; the one with the beautiful personality. I've tried various diets, but never been very dedicated to them. When Sean proposed, however, I didn't want the thousands spent in photography and videography to capture me permanently as I was, so I joined WW. I lost 10% of weight and could have remained as a lifetime member for free. This was right before the wedding and I decided I didn't need them anymore. Now, 2 1/2 years later, I'm rejoining and have more to lose than before. But I've started back and that's a start. This has been the exciting part of the changes. As I look to the future and know that being a mom is not as far off as it once was (but is still not close), I want to be in shape and not pass on these destructive habits to our future children.

I cannot have a balanced life if the spiritual role is not incorporated. It is this change that has invoked anxiety. The anxiety presented itself out of the blue on a girls' trip to Miami. We were talking about people who were struggling and one of my friends was sharing how she was baptized twice. Instant surge in heart rate and fear. I struggled through the rest of the day, sneaking away to read Bible verses and trying to suppress the fear that I wasn't saved. The next day we went to church and the message was on Angels and Demons. It was all fine and dandy until the prayer for salvation came up. Again, instant tachycardia and fear. We got in the car and I asked my friends to prayer for assurance and peace for me. Throughout my life as a Christian I have always doubted whether I am saved. I have never been consistent with my quiet time which makes me doubt whether I truly am a child of the King.

I have, however, found something to combat this anxiety. I will fight back. No longer will I allow myself to be attacked without any attempt to defend myself. Several people I know have a 30 before 30 list. I currently only have 12 things on my list, but one of them is to memorize 30 chapters of the Bible by age 30. I am clinging to 1 John as John tells all the ways we can KNOW that we are His. For me, it has been a conscious choice to stop the anxiety and the attacks. At the end of sermons when the opportunity for salvation is presented, I know that the fear I experience is not true. I will battle this out!

That's been the change in my winds. It's been exciting and scary but I am now comfortable with how things are. Doubting salvation is a terrifying experience, but I won't let that hinder me. After all, there's a whole book in the Bible about not doubting!